I received the email below from Mother Flora Wokomah, who wants to wire the mysterious sum of "$18.3000.000.00 U.S DOLLARS" into my account. All I have to do is fly to the United Arab Emirates to meet with her attorney. Since I'm a marketing professional and spend a lot of time on email marketing, I thought I would take a critical look at Mother Flora's email before hopping on a plane.
NAME:MOTHER FLORA ANGEL WOKOMAH
FROM :562/HR/ ROTTERDAM NETHERLAND EMAIL:email@example.com
SUBJECT: BE IN ABOUNDANT BLESSING
>This subject line was in the body of your email, but the subject line in my IN box was "Contact Me Urgent For Work Of God!!!" Be consistent; otherwise your credibility may be compromised.
GOD BLESS YOU.
>It's best to leave religion out of your sales pitches as you might alienate those who don't share your beliefs. I never send email on behalf of my company that mentions God or makes any religious references. My click-through rates are very high.
MY DEAR I CHOSE YOU TO DO GOD OFFER,NOT MY,BUT
>Why are you shouting at me, Mother Flora?
REMAINED YOU THAT GOD ARE USEING ME AS A POINT OF CONTACT TOWARD YOUR
I AM MOTHER FLORA ANGEL WOKOMAH FROM ROTTERDAM
NATHERLAND A WIDOW TO LATE PATRICK WOKOMAH I AM 61 YEARS OLD, I AM A REALL
>Please proofread your emails before sending them out. And stop shouting at me!
SUFFERING FROM LONG TIME CANCER OF THE BREAST,
>It's always prudent to avoid personal comments in your email campaigns. While you have my sympathies, your prospects don't care about your health, what you did over the weekend, etc.
IN ALL INDICATION MY CONDITIONS IS REALLY DETERIORATING AND IT IS QUITE
OBVIOUS THAT I
WOUDIN,T LIVE MORE THAN THREE MONTHS, ACCORDING TO MY DOCTORS,AND ALL INDICATION
>you need to work on your line breaks, Mother Flora. They're very distracting. You might also consider producing HTML emails, which are much more attractive and tend to get better response rates. Consider outsourcing your email marketing.
REGARDS TO MEDICAL ANALYSIS, THIS IS BECAUSE THE CANCER STAGE HAS GOTTEN TO A VERY BAD STAGE THAT NO HOPE FOR ME TO BE A LIVING PERSON AGAIN,
>Your copy is very confusing here. It sounds like you are talking about reincarnation. But again, try to avoid the personal comments. Your prospects will respond if your offer is compelling, not if they feel sorry for you.
MY LATE HUSBAND KILLED DURING THE U.S. RAID AGAINST TERRORISM IN AFGHANISTAN,
>Again, too much personal information, and this may alienate supporters of the foreign policy of our nation. All seven of them.
AND DURING THE PERIOD OF OUR MARRIAGE WE COULD NOT PRODUCE ANY CHILD.
>This is extraneous copy and not really relevant.
MY LATE HUSBAND WAS VERY WEALTHY AND AFTERHIS DEATH, I INHERITED ALL HIS BUSINESS AND WEALTH.
>It's good to have a more positive message in your email, but due to the plethora of negative comments, I am at this point expecting you to tell me that you've been attacked by wild gazelles. Let me be clear and restate it: avoid personal comments.
THE DOCTORS HAS ADVISED ME THAT
I MAY NOT LIVE FOR MORE THAN SIX MONTHS, SO I NOW
DECIDED TO DIVIDE THE PART OF MY WEALTH,
TO CONTRIBUTE TO THE DEVELOPMENT OF
THE CHURCH IN AFRICA, AMERICA ASIA
>If this is your compelling offer or part of your compelling offer, I'm not sure you will get a good response. I interpret this as, "People are starving, so let's build a church." Consider a more compelling offer, such as "I am going to solve world hunger with my inherited wealth." Although you might want to avoid being confused with other wealthy heiresses/philanthropists such as Paris and Nicky Hilton.
AND EUROPE ESPECAILLY CREATE SOLUTION TO PROBLEM
OF LESS PREVILLAGED ONES AND ALPHANAGE HOMES.
>It's critical that you proofread your emails before sending them out. I have to assume you mean orphanage homes, and it will tick me off to have to do work in order to understand your message.
MY DEAR,I SELECTED YOU AFTER VISITING THE WEBSITE
>You've got to be kidding me. Commuterrant?
>(more all caps blathering on about religion deleted)
>Overall, I would give this email campaign a D+. It should be much briefer, should have clickable links, should have been proofread and most important, it needs to have a clear call to action! I'm afraid your response rate will be very low, Mother Flora. But please contact me if you would like additional advice. I am available to consult for you, for an affordable flat fee of $18.3000.000.00 USD.