Commuterrant

Jason Needs a Helmet

There was a full-page ad on the back of this morning's Metro, touting the United Way's "Turn It Up & Get Active" campaign to fight childhood obesity.

The ad consisted of a giant photo of Jason, an active young man performing a cool skateboard move. But Jason was not wearing a helmet. I'm all for fighting childhood obesity, but when you fracture your skull and your brains are splayed out across the skateboard park, is it really going to matter how toned and healthy you are?

Miracle on the Red Line

On Wednesday, I parked at Alewife and boarded the Red Line as usual. After about ten minutes on the train, I began fumbling with my money and credit cards in my jacket pocket. I usually keep those doo-dads in my pants pockets, but I was all gussied up for a conference at the Hynes, and it so happened that the suit I was wearing had no pockets. This scintillating detail is important - trust me.

I decided that I should move my wad of cash and credit cards from my jacket to my wallet, which lives at the bottom of my backpack, and is never used. My jacket was not going to be with me at the conference, but my backpack was. So I did the transfer of the credit cards, and pulled out the money... it seemed odd to me that there was only about eight dollars; I had just gone the bank the day before and should have had a lot more. I was rooting around in my pockets looking for the cash when a woman bolted out of her seat and came over to me.

"Did you park on the fifth floor at Alewife?" she asked. I told her I had, thinking she was going to criticize my parking methods or tell me I had run over her foot. She said, "Did you lose some money?" she asked.

"Yes!" I said. "A bunch of 20s, folded up." And she pulled it out and handed it to me. She said she found it on the ground and saw me walking ahead of her, but wasn't sure I had dropped it and wasn't sure what to do. I was speechless. What are the odds that this particular woman would find my lost money, that we would end up on the same car of the train, that I would discover that the cash was missing while still on the train, and that she would realize that I was the owner?

"Thank you," I said. "Thank you so much." She said, "If I hadn't found you I was going to give it to charity." It was sixty dollars. I think I know what I'm going to do with it.

See Something? Say Something - or Else

Today, the T-bots were out in full force - armed police officers, day-glo-vest-adorned workers, and others - distributing future litter, bright orange pamphlets entitled "Trust Your Instincts and Be Prepared."

The pamphlet was all about seeing something, saying something, being vigilant, defeating the terrorists and the like. While reading the pamphlet on the T, I got to the part where it read "....You may witness something suspicious, such as:

• a passenger behaving oddly"

And started laughing out loud, as it's a rare day when I don't witness a passenger behaving oddly on the T. The woman needlessly trying to pour the remnants of a giant bag of potato chips into a snack-size ziploc bag. The snowflake-cutter. The scratch-your-ankle-til-it-bleeds guy. The pickers, the singers, the full-course meal eaters. And plus, I know they want me to say something, but I'm never clear on what I'm supposed to say, and to whom.

I quickly stopped laughing out loud when I realized that my behavior might be seen as odd and I might have to then explain myself to the watchful passengers as well as the authorities.

The next bullet item/example of suspicious behavior to watch for was:

• a group operating in an orchestrated or rehearsed manner

I pondered this, as I had just witnessed a odd assemblage of people engaging in a well-orchestrated handing out of pamphlets. It seemed rehearsed, and a bit out of place. Should I say something?
 

George Bush Reads

The American Library Association offers a popular series of posters featuring celebrities holding a favorite book, with the encouraging message "Read" or "Lea" (in Spanish) emblazoned across the top. These posters are great for encouraging young minds to pick up a book. Even better, they also offer customizable versions! You can order a CD containing generic backgrounds, to which you can add you own image. Here's what I came up with:

I would love to see this on the wall at my local library.

And Then I Googled "Decapitated Human Head"

...and no ads popped up, oddly enough. I couldn't resist. I then tried "human head" and found that yes, indeed, I can find human heads on eBay:

I am so getting arrested.

But you really can find whatever you're looking for on eBay:

My friend Janine then decided that she had to have a used jock strap, and she found that not only are they available on eBay, but Kadazzle.com is a worthy competior, offering the lowest prices around:

When Contextual Ads Go Horribly Awry, Part 2

There's a God-awful smell of fecundity and rot permeating the basement, and it grows more noxious with each passing day. I called a plumber, and they graciously declined to come out and charge us for a visit, telling me that more often than not, these situations result from a decomposing dead animal stuck in the wall.

So, what to do when there's a dead, rotting animal stuck in the wall? I did what I usually do when in a perilous situation. I Googled. I Googled the phrase "dead animal in wall," and alongside links to helpful homeowner web forums and message boards, I saw the following ads:

I give you: "Dead Animals. Whatever you're looking for you can get it on eBay." Has eBay purchased every possible search phrase on Google? I wanted to Google "Decapitated Human Head," to see if an eBay ad promising to fulfill my e-commerce dreams would pop up, but I'm trying to avoid a visit from the Department of Homeland Security. And I have no comment regarding the "See Dead Animals" link, which I did NOT click on. "See Dead Animals. Big, dead animals. Fun to watch." Note the use of boldface type, judiciously reserved for the word "dead." Oops; I just commented.

See other Google goodness, including When Contextual Ads Go Horribly Awry, Part 1.

The Benefits of Edifying Your Spouse

While perusing my local Lexington Colonial-Shopper-Minuteman-Birthplace of Liberty tabloid, I came across an article entitled, "The Benefits of Edifying Your Spouse." Amidst features about shoe shopping and local bake sales, this author, from Lexington "Psycological" (aka "Ssycological" in the byline) Services provides marriage advice. When I got to the part invoking the New Testament, I immediately double-checked the date on the newspaper, to make sure it hadn't been lost at the Post Office since 1942.

The author states, "....We should begin to follow principles that allows (sic) the husband to edify his wife by praising her. Then, the wife in turn can edify her husband by lovingly responding to him," thereby making the wife sound like a Standard Poodle.

Then the best part of the article: "Typically, a wife's sense of beauty depends greatly on what her husband thinks of her. She needs to be nourished with praise."

Upon reading this part, I immediately looked at my wife (even though I am not her husband; this is Massachusetts, after all) and said "Honey, you're beautiful. You look great." She responded with a blank stare.

I assume the author published this incisive feature as a means to drum up business for his Ssycological services, but in Lexington, Massachusetts? In 2006?

I Thought They Were Already Dead

Three actors, two days.

Addendum: a friend provided some usability feedback on this entry, letting me know I should clarify who the other two actors are, or, at minimum, provide photos. I don't feel like searching for pictures of Darren McGavin or Dennis Weaver, but rest assured, they too are as dead as Don Knotts.

I have also un-misplaced the misplaced modifier in the title.