Commuterrant

Bush's All-New Dumbest Statement Ever

I spotted this gem of a headline on Yahoo News yesterday:

"Bush says U.S. safer, but not yet safe." What the hell does that mean? How can something be a greater degree of something that it is not?

That's like saying "Bush is smarter, but not yet smart." What a moron. I hereby dub him the "Mad-Lib President" for all the sense he makes. I think he gets his inspiration from poorly-arranged refrigerator magnets.

Pink is the New Red White and Blue

Proud of my homegirl from Philly:

Watch the video.

George Bush Reads

The American Library Association offers a popular series of posters featuring celebrities holding a favorite book, with the encouraging message "Read" or "Lea" (in Spanish) emblazoned across the top. These posters are great for encouraging young minds to pick up a book. Even better, they also offer customizable versions! You can order a CD containing generic backgrounds, to which you can add you own image. Here's what I came up with:

I would love to see this on the wall at my local library.

Let Us See Your Google Searches, Or We Will Be Attacked Again

The Bush Administration is attempting to get Google to turn over 5 gazillion hizobtytes of data regarding searches conducted by its users. The Administration says they need the data to catch "the evildoers, like those who attacked us on 9/11." With over 5 gadabillion searches a day, Google is the most popular search engine, and news of this request has privacy advocates deeply concerned.

President Bush rebuffed those concerns. "We got ahold of Yahoo's records, and looky here," said President Bush. "This person, Paul Santos - is that an Arabic name? - searched for 'Golden Globes Scarlett Johansson's breasts.' You can't tell me he's not up to no good."

In a patriotic effort to do my part and save Google the trouble of providing my search results, I've listed my most recent searches below:

"Britney Spears" bindi
Reese Witherspoon Chanel dress
link:http://ellenmc.typepad.com/commuterrant/
"remove chocolate pudding from stuffed animal fur"
Pixanne Philadelphia
"degree programs for circus clowns"
"ass pain"
"Scarlett Johansson's breasts"

I hope this helps the cause of freedom!

Cyclops Kitten Appointed Key Bush Aide

Cy, the now-deceased cyclops kitten born last month in Oregon, was named to a key post within the Bush Administration, Deputy Chief of FEMA, with a specific mandate to oversee reconstruction in the Gulf Coast area.

"I trust that Cy will keep an eye on things down there in Kansas," said President Bush in a statement. "The Gulf Coast was ravaged by this vicious terrorist hurricane on 9/11, and my new colleague Cy will make sure that everything gets rebuilt, especially Trent Lott's porch."

Is Chertoff One of the Undead?

Is it my imagination, or does our esteemed Homeland Security Chief bear an uncanny resemblance to Nosferatu?

Compare and contrast:

Pat Robertson Tells Pennsylvania Town to Rot in Hell

A true story, courtesy of the Associated Press:
"Religious broadcaster Pat Robertson warned residents of a rural Pennsylvania town Thursday that disaster may strike there because they 'voted God out of your city' by ousting school board members who favored teaching intelligent design."

I wasn't aware that God was running for office, or had a presence in any one city vs. another. I also wasn't aware that Pat Robertson was in the business of predicting natural disasters. Did he predict the Tsunami of last year? Hurricane Katrina? Rita? What is his hit rate for disaster prediction? Can we use him as some sort of machine, to warn us when Hurricanes and other disasters are coming? Can we tie him to the front of a ship or the top of a tall building, so he can keep an eye on these things for us?

".... I'd like to say to the good citizens of Dover: If there is a disaster in your area, don't turn to God. You just rejected him from your city," Robertson said on the Christian Broadcasting Network's '700 Club.'"

It's nice to know that Pat believes in a loving, kind God. He must be a constant state of terror, peeing the bed every night.

...."God is tolerant and loving, but we can't keep sticking our finger in his eye forever," Robertson said. "If they have future problems in Dover, I recommend they call on Charles Darwin. Maybe he can help them."

Does God have an eye? Or any facial features? And who said god was a "he?" I can't even comment on the Charles Darwin reference. That's just laughable.

"Robertson made headlines this summer when he called on his daily show for the assassination of Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez.

"In October 2003, he suggested that the State Department be blown up with a nuclear device. He has also said that feminism encourages women to 'kill their children, practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism and become lesbians.'"

Does this man claim to represent Christian values? Are there people in his audience shouting "Yes! Testify!" while getting out their checkbooks, as he advocates killing world leaders, suggests terrorist acts against our government and links proponents of equal rights with child killers!? I know every time I get angry about earning 70 cents for every dollar earned by a man in a comparable position, I'm on a slippery slope towards sacrificing a goat, followed by the killing of the children. I've already got the lesbian thing covered, and don't think I'd make much headway in destroying capitalism, however.

Libby's Canned Lies

When it says Libby, Libby, Libby
On the indictment, indictment, indictment,
You will like it, like it, like it,
All the excitement, excitement, excitement

Nero Fiddles While Rome Burns

While hundreds of people suffer, die, lose their homes and/or remain trapped in New Orleans due to Hurricane Katrina, and while bloodshed continues in Iraq, President Bush celebrated the end of his "vacation- cut-short" by learning how to strum a G chord on a guitar festooned with the Presidential seal.

Meanwhile, Donald Rumsfeld blamed yesterday's stampede and resulting bridge collapse in Baghdad, which killed approximately 700 people, on "Saddam Hussein and the Terrorists," saying that "these people who stampeded and killed their own are the kind of people who attacked our shores on 9/11. We're engaging them where they live so we don't have to engage them where Americans live. 9/11. Iraq. Saddam Hussein...terrorists..."