Commuterrant

Confession re: Dannielynn

I have a confession. I am the real father of Anna Nicole Smith's baby, Dannielynn Birkhead von Anhalt Smith-Stern. And I have proof:

 

The resemblance is uncanny, and Anna Nicole and I did have one unforgettable night of parthenogenesistic (parthenogenetic?) bliss, right around the time of Dannielynn's conception.

I haven't been blogging lately because I've been so busy traveling, providing DNA, obtaining DNA, locking Howard out of the mansion and so on. But, come hell or highwater, I will claim my child!

NFL Bans Pedophile-Penned Fight Song

I'm catching up on my blog reading, and I just learned via Attytood that Newsweek reports:

"The NFL has effectively banned stadiums from playing Gary Glitter's 'Rock and Roll Part 2' after the Brit rocker was convicted of molesting underage girls in Vietnam, prompting a search for a substitute celebratory anthem."

Many NFL teams are now looking for a new, rousing fight song, and the Patriots are polling fans in order to select one. Among the choices are Ain't Talking 'Bout Love by Van Halen and Yeah by Usher.

What!? I give you a lyrics sampler:

Van Halen:
I heard the news baby
All about your disease
Yeah, you may have all you want baby
But I got somethin' you need. Oh, yeah!
Ain't talkin' 'bout love
My love is rotten to the core
Ain't talkin' 'bout love
Just like I told you before. Yeah, before
(and later)
Mmm, so if you want it, got to bleed for it baby
Yeah! Got to, got to bleed, baby
Mmm, you got to, got to bleed, baby
Hey! Got to, got to bleed baby

What does that have to do with football?

and Usher:
These women all on the prowl, If ya hold the head steady I'm a milk the cow.
And forget about the game I'm spit the truth, I won't stop til I get em in their birthday suits.
So gimmie the rhythm and it'll be off with their clothes, So bend over to the front and touch your toes.
I left the Jag and I took the Rolls, If they ain't cuttin' then I put em on foot patrol.
OWWW!
How ya like me now, when my pinky's valued over three hundred thousand,
Lets drank you the one to please, Ludacris fill cups like double d's.
Me and Ush once more and we leaves em dead, we want a lady in the street but a freak in the bed to say.

I'm not sure what half of that means, but I have the feeling it's not pretty.

The NFL says, "Let's ban the non-misogynistic song by the pedophile in favor of misogynistic songs by non-pedophiles!" I'm confused... I myself would like to hear My Sharona* or (She's) Sexy + 17 after a touchdown. Any other suggestions?

*On George Bush's iPod, according to Wikipedia

Pink is the New Red White and Blue

Proud of my homegirl from Philly:

Watch the video.

Cruise, Holmes and Shields in Maternity Ward Mix-up

Yesterday, Katie Holmes gave birth to a baby girl, her daughter with Tom Cruise; the couple have named the child Suri. Ironically, Brooke Shields gave birth on the same day, to her second child with husband Chris Henchy, a daughter named Grier. But in a stunning development, the mothers were accidentally switched before leaving the hospital, sending Brooke Shields home with Tom Cruise.

This made for an awkward couple of days, since the two celebrities had a very public disagreement last year after Cruise criticized Shields' use of medication for post-partum depression. Shields documented her battle with depression after the birth of her daughter Rowan in her book Down Came the Rain: My Journey Through Post-Partum Depression, and came out swinging after Cruise's assertions.

Tom was so bowled over by the birth of his first mini-Scientologist that he failed to realize he went home with the wrong baby-mother. Meanwhile, Shields became so enraged by Cruise's "I have a baby!" furniture-jumping antics that she picked up the diminutive superstar and threw him out a third-floor window. She was not suffering from post-partum depression at the time. After her rescue from the Cruise mansion, she called the defenestration “the most sensible thing I've done since Suddenly Susan."

I Thought They Were Already Dead

Three actors, two days.

Addendum: a friend provided some usability feedback on this entry, letting me know I should clarify who the other two actors are, or, at minimum, provide photos. I don't feel like searching for pictures of Darren McGavin or Dennis Weaver, but rest assured, they too are as dead as Don Knotts.

I have also un-misplaced the misplaced modifier in the title.

Reese Witherspoon Tragedy!

On the front page of Boston.com today, there was a link to a MAJOR, breaking story from the Associated Press, "Witherspoon Globe Gown Snafu."

Reese Witherspoon, the deserving Golden Globe winner for her portrayal of June Carter Cash in Walk the Line, believed that she was wearing a vintage Chanel gown to the ceremony. In a horrific turn of events, it turns out that the gown was PREVIOUSLY WORN to an event by Kirsten Dunst. Oh my God; the humanity! The world has not seen a tragedy of this magnitude since Hurricane Katrina.

According to the article, "Witherspoon believed the gown - in a champagne color with metallic trim on the bust - was vintage, her publicist, Nanci Ryder, was reported as telling the New York Post in Wednesday's editions. 'Reese was told the dress was vintage,' Ryder was quoted as saying. 'It was not. I'm not angry -- just a little disappointed.'" Well, thank God, publicist Nanci Ryder isn't angry. Otherwise, there'd be trouble.

Later, the article quotes celebrity stylist Philip Block who says that Witherspoon is "a victim of people just not doing their job correctly."

I like Reese Witherspoon. I loved Walk the Line. It should be noted that she herself is not quoted regarding her thoughts on this tragic turn of events. But I would like to drop-kick publicist Nanci Ryder and celebrity stylist Philip Bloch into a homeless shelter or a pediatric cancer ward, so they can see what it's like to have a real problem.

The Funniest Question Anyone's Ever Asked Me

"Were Richard and Karen Carpenter more than brother and sister?"

Henceforth Known as "Shot in the Head"

Poor Marc Cohn.  Aside from the 2 or 3 times "Walking in Memphis" is played on the radio each year, he hasn't gotten much PR or airplay over the last 15 years. Then he gets shot in the head, and he's everywhere. He's gotten more airtime for getting shot in the head than he did for marrying Elizabeth Vargas (TV reporter for 20/20) several years ago. Or even for having a hit song in the early 1990s.

A couple of weeks ago, I was flipping through the channels, and I came across Larry King interviewing Marc Cohn on CNN. I never watch Larry King, since he's so... well, awful. However, I had to watch this awkward train wreck of an interview.

• "How did it feel to get shot in the head?"
• "What were you thinking about when you got shot in the head?"
• "Where were you when Kennedy was shot in the head?"
• "Are you going to write a song now about getting shot in the head? Will you pretend it happened in Memphis?"

Throughout the interview, King referred to his guest as "Marc Cohn, shot in the head" and ended the interview by saying, oddly, "Congratulations." Congratulations!? For being shot in the head?

A week or so later, E. and I were watching the US Open when the camera focused on a couple of spectators - Marc Cohn and his wife. The commentary went something like this:
ANNOUNCER 1: "Now there's Marc COH-EN...singer-songwriter."
ANNOUNCER 2: "Shot in the head recently, wasn't he?"
ANN. 1: "Yes, shot in the head, in a carjacking...in Colorado."
ANN. 2: "He's recovering nicely...he's here with his wife, Elizabeth Vargas, of 20/20."

The whole thing reminds me of Nancy-Kerrigan's-mother-legally-blind. Back in the early 1990s, every time figure skater Nancy Kerrigan was in a competition, the camera had to cut to a shot of her mother in the stands, with her face pressed up against a portable television so she could see her daughter, since she was, in fact, legally blind. The announcer had to remind us of that anytime Nancy was in the building, in case we had forgotten.

If I were Marc Cohn-shot-in-the-head, I'd be pretty depressed right now. I'm sure he'd rather be known as Marc Cohn-Walking-in-Memphis.

Tom Cruise vs. Brooke Shields: Credibility Comparison Chart

For those of you too distracted by the war in Iraq, the Downing Street memo, or the forthcoming Karl Rove-is-a-traitor-and-perjurer scandal to pay attention to the real news, the big story is the war of words going on between Brooke Shields and Tom Cruise! Their public battle was ignited when Cruise publicly spoke out against Shields’ use of antidepressants to combat post-partum depression. Shields has detailed her struggle with post-partum depression following the birth of her daughter in her bestselling book, Down Came the Rain.

In order to help us all make sense of the Cruise-Shields battle, I have prepared the following Credibility Comparison Chart.

	Tom Cruise	Brooke Shields
Education	high-school dropout	Princeton, Bachelor of Arts
Height	5’7”	6’
Divorces	2	1
PDA	Nauseating	Cheered in the stands while married to ex-husband Andre Agassi
Litigiousness	Will sue anyone who utters that he might be a word that rhymes with "yay." Won one such lawsuit.	Sued a photographer who took nude photos of her as a child and displayed them at an art gallery. Lost.
Ever had a gay acting role?	Wouldn’t go near it with a 10-foot pole	Yes
Slept with Dean Cain?	Maybe	Yes
Religion	Wacky Cult of Scientology	unknown
Royal blood	None	Descended from Henri IV, King of France, the Emperor Charles V, Lucrezia Borgia, and Honore I, Prince of Monaco.
Published author	No	Yes
Smile rating	Grinning maw of phoniness	Just normal
Most famous quote	"You don't know the history of psychiatry. I do."	”Nothing comes between me and my Calvins.”
First-hand experience with post-partum depression	None	Lots