Commuterrant

U.S. Launches Initiative to Conserve Energy, Make Us Happy

As a follow-up to the early implementation of Daylight Savings Time, which began yesterday morning at 2:00am, the U.S. Congress has quietly passed a law mandating that, effective next Sunday, March 18th at midnight, March will officially become June. All residents are urged to move their calendars three pages ahead, to avoid any confusion.

"Not only will making June earlier this year save lots of energy," said Congressman Ed Markey, who spearheaded the original Daylight Savings Time measure, "having summer arrive three months earlier than usual will lift everyone’s spirits!" He added, "Next Sunday, you can turn off your heat, plan your weekends at the beach and get out your gas grill!"

While the early arrival of June promises to lift the spirits of many, some business and educational leaders are noting that the calendar change will have other ramifications. “It’s going to be a bitch to try to schedule meetings,” said Spencer Haven, CEO of SpagTek, Ltd.

"My class is going to go bonkers when I tell them school’s getting out three months early," noted Leslie Bugg, an elementary school teacher from Waukesha, Wisconsin. "My birthday’s in April," her 5 year-old son Preston added, sadly.

Confession re: Dannielynn

I have a confession. I am the real father of Anna Nicole Smith's baby, Dannielynn Birkhead von Anhalt Smith-Stern. And I have proof:

 

The resemblance is uncanny, and Anna Nicole and I did have one unforgettable night of parthenogenesistic (parthenogenetic?) bliss, right around the time of Dannielynn's conception.

I haven't been blogging lately because I've been so busy traveling, providing DNA, obtaining DNA, locking Howard out of the mansion and so on. But, come hell or highwater, I will claim my child!

NFL Bans Pedophile-Penned Fight Song

I'm catching up on my blog reading, and I just learned via Attytood that Newsweek reports:

"The NFL has effectively banned stadiums from playing Gary Glitter's 'Rock and Roll Part 2' after the Brit rocker was convicted of molesting underage girls in Vietnam, prompting a search for a substitute celebratory anthem."

Many NFL teams are now looking for a new, rousing fight song, and the Patriots are polling fans in order to select one. Among the choices are Ain't Talking 'Bout Love by Van Halen and Yeah by Usher.

What!? I give you a lyrics sampler:

Van Halen:
I heard the news baby
All about your disease
Yeah, you may have all you want baby
But I got somethin' you need. Oh, yeah!
Ain't talkin' 'bout love
My love is rotten to the core
Ain't talkin' 'bout love
Just like I told you before. Yeah, before
(and later)
Mmm, so if you want it, got to bleed for it baby
Yeah! Got to, got to bleed, baby
Mmm, you got to, got to bleed, baby
Hey! Got to, got to bleed baby

What does that have to do with football?

and Usher:
These women all on the prowl, If ya hold the head steady I'm a milk the cow.
And forget about the game I'm spit the truth, I won't stop til I get em in their birthday suits.
So gimmie the rhythm and it'll be off with their clothes, So bend over to the front and touch your toes.
I left the Jag and I took the Rolls, If they ain't cuttin' then I put em on foot patrol.
OWWW!
How ya like me now, when my pinky's valued over three hundred thousand,
Lets drank you the one to please, Ludacris fill cups like double d's.
Me and Ush once more and we leaves em dead, we want a lady in the street but a freak in the bed to say.

I'm not sure what half of that means, but I have the feeling it's not pretty.

The NFL says, "Let's ban the non-misogynistic song by the pedophile in favor of misogynistic songs by non-pedophiles!" I'm confused... I myself would like to hear My Sharona* or (She's) Sexy + 17 after a touchdown. Any other suggestions?

*On George Bush's iPod, according to Wikipedia

Preventing Plagiarism – A Novel Idea

Having spent years in the publishing industry, I’ve been following the recent controversy about the young Harvard author, Kaavya Viswantahan, and the discovery that she had inadvertently plagiarized internalized content from author Megan McCafferty, who wrote Sloppy Firsts and Second Helpings for her own first novel, How Opal Mehta Got Kissed, Got Wild and Got a Life. 

Viswantahan garnered a huge amount of publicity due to her age and the fact that her publisher, Little, Brown, paid her gobs of money for the book.

We blame the author. We blame the publisher. We blame the book packager, 17^th Street Productions. But let’s stop looking at blame, and solve the problem! Here’s an idea – let’s let a big company with an already-existing huge presence online and lots of money scan all the books out there, index the content and make it freely searchable on the Web. Then, when a publishing house has a manuscript, they can pick a sampling of passages and run a search, to see if the verbiage has been previously published. And this whole mess can be avoided.

As an extremely profitable by-product of this effort, the publishers and owners of the scanned content can add links to purchase the book, either directly, or from booksellers, both chain stores and independent bookstores (the few that are left), based on the searcher’s ZIP code. Readers will be exposed to content they otherwise might not have found, and there will be a huge, new revenue stream for publishers!

Oh. Wait. Google has already tried to do that. And the publishers are suing them. Never mind.

Pink is the New Red White and Blue

Proud of my homegirl from Philly:

Watch the video.

George Bush Reads

The American Library Association offers a popular series of posters featuring celebrities holding a favorite book, with the encouraging message "Read" or "Lea" (in Spanish) emblazoned across the top. These posters are great for encouraging young minds to pick up a book. Even better, they also offer customizable versions! You can order a CD containing generic backgrounds, to which you can add you own image. Here's what I came up with:

I would love to see this on the wall at my local library.

The Benefits of Edifying Your Spouse

While perusing my local Lexington Colonial-Shopper-Minuteman-Birthplace of Liberty tabloid, I came across an article entitled, "The Benefits of Edifying Your Spouse." Amidst features about shoe shopping and local bake sales, this author, from Lexington "Psycological" (aka "Ssycological" in the byline) Services provides marriage advice. When I got to the part invoking the New Testament, I immediately double-checked the date on the newspaper, to make sure it hadn't been lost at the Post Office since 1942.

The author states, "....We should begin to follow principles that allows (sic) the husband to edify his wife by praising her. Then, the wife in turn can edify her husband by lovingly responding to him," thereby making the wife sound like a Standard Poodle.

Then the best part of the article: "Typically, a wife's sense of beauty depends greatly on what her husband thinks of her. She needs to be nourished with praise."

Upon reading this part, I immediately looked at my wife (even though I am not her husband; this is Massachusetts, after all) and said "Honey, you're beautiful. You look great." She responded with a blank stare.

I assume the author published this incisive feature as a means to drum up business for his Ssycological services, but in Lexington, Massachusetts? In 2006?

Let Us See Your Google Searches, Or We Will Be Attacked Again

The Bush Administration is attempting to get Google to turn over 5 gazillion hizobtytes of data regarding searches conducted by its users. The Administration says they need the data to catch "the evildoers, like those who attacked us on 9/11." With over 5 gadabillion searches a day, Google is the most popular search engine, and news of this request has privacy advocates deeply concerned.

President Bush rebuffed those concerns. "We got ahold of Yahoo's records, and looky here," said President Bush. "This person, Paul Santos - is that an Arabic name? - searched for 'Golden Globes Scarlett Johansson's breasts.' You can't tell me he's not up to no good."

In a patriotic effort to do my part and save Google the trouble of providing my search results, I've listed my most recent searches below:

"Britney Spears" bindi
Reese Witherspoon Chanel dress
link:http://ellenmc.typepad.com/commuterrant/
"remove chocolate pudding from stuffed animal fur"
Pixanne Philadelphia
"degree programs for circus clowns"
"ass pain"
"Scarlett Johansson's breasts"

I hope this helps the cause of freedom!

Cyclops Kitten Appointed Key Bush Aide

Cy, the now-deceased cyclops kitten born last month in Oregon, was named to a key post within the Bush Administration, Deputy Chief of FEMA, with a specific mandate to oversee reconstruction in the Gulf Coast area.

"I trust that Cy will keep an eye on things down there in Kansas," said President Bush in a statement. "The Gulf Coast was ravaged by this vicious terrorist hurricane on 9/11, and my new colleague Cy will make sure that everything gets rebuilt, especially Trent Lott's porch."

Is Chertoff One of the Undead?

Is it my imagination, or does our esteemed Homeland Security Chief bear an uncanny resemblance to Nosferatu?

Compare and contrast: