Commuterrant

Bush Celebrates 9/11 During Weekly Radio Address

President Bush's weekly radio address fell on the day before fourth anniversary of the September 11th terrorist attacks, and the following is a transcript of his remarks.

"September the 11th... terrorists... Saddam Hussein... weapons of mass de-struction. Iraq. Smoke 'em out. 9/11. 9/11. Weapons of Mass Destruction. Biological Weapons. Saddam...brutal dictator. Bring 'em on. Terrorists... death and destruction. Iraq. Evildoers. September the 11th. Towers on fire. Pentagon. Flight 93. Let's roll. I can hear you; the whole nation hears you! Terror. Terror cells. Terrorism. Noble Cause. The cause of liberty. Our shores. Liberty. Freedom. Freedom freedom freedom freedom. Tax relief, clear skies and freedom fries. Thank you for listening."

When asked to comment on the President's radio address during Meet the Press, Senator John Kerry (D-MA) said, "Hurricane Katrina, FEMA, Chertoff, Brownie, you're doing a heck of a job. Valerie Plame. CIA Undercover. The Downing Street Memo. Hurricane Katrina-Crawford, Texas. Vacation, vacation, vacation. Ferragamo shoes and Spamalot. Fly-fishing in Wyoming. The army you have, not the army you wish to have. Katrina. New Orleans. Rotting Corpses. Superdome. Trent Lott's porch and My Pet Goat. Convention Center. No Weapons of Mass Destruction Found. National Guard AWOL. DUI. Cocaine and community service. Casey Sheehan, Cindy Sheehan. Jeff Gannon, White House Hooker. Terrorism, bagism, shagism, thisism, thatism, ism, ism, ism. Security Risk. Karl Rove, CIA leaker. Bin Laden Determined to Strike in the US. 2,000 servicemen and women killed in action."

A New Book for Brownie

IDG Books, publishers of the popular "For Dummies" series, have rushed into print a new title, Emergency Management for Dummies. This timely volume covers the basics of emergency management for neophytes and do-nothing bureaucrats, including planning, logistics, and basic needs of human beings affected by natural disasters, including:
1. water
2. food
3. shelter
4. health care
5. oxygen
6. freedom of movement
7. information
8. instructions
9. leadership

Also covered: how to assume a leadership position in emergency management with no prior experience, fundamentals of infectious diseases, and the difference between "looting" and "foraging."

The book will have a print run of one copy.

"We considered calling the book Emergency Management for Dummy, but didn't want to taint the brand," said an IDG spokesperson.

Bush Announces Change of "War President" Moniker

In a hastily-arranged press conference, Bush announced that he is changing his moniker from "War President" to "Dysentery President." Bush noted that this change was to shift the focus from the "War on Iraq - Terrorism - 9/11 - Saddam- weapons of mass destruction,  which we are winning," to the War on New Orleans Katrina, "which we are getting ready to get set to win."

Unnamed sources told reporters that Bush's crack PR team of Dan Bartlet and Karl Rove ran a series of new nicknames by Bush, and it was very difficult for him to pick just one. Among the other choices:

• Typhoid Fever President
• E-Coli President
• Doesn't Care About Black People President
• Blind Lemon Jeffershrub (in reference to his guitar playing)

He concluded the press conference by noting that he would not be taking any questions from the press (a first for a press conference). "Remember - four days until 9/11," he said, winking as he left the stage.