Commuterrant

Bruegger's - A Corporate Sniffing Policy?

Last week, I urgently needed an Everything Bagel, so I went to the neighborhood Bruegger's. I was waiting in line while two Bruegger's employees behind the counter were discussing something. One, a young man, said in response to the other, "I don't know..." and picked up a scooper filled with cream cheese and brought it up to his nose, sniffing deeply. He said, "It's chive," and threw the scooper back in the vat. He then looked up at me, with a dot of cream cheese on his nose.

"Can I help you?" he asked, wiping his nose with his sanitary, be-gloved hand.

Eww. You just sniffed the cream cheese. Not only did you sniff it, you touched it with your nose. And you put the scooper back in the vat. There is now nose contaminating the cream cheese.

These are the thoughts that ran through my head while I stood there, mute. I kept waiting for him to acknowledge what he had done. But he didn't. I went ahead with my purchase (no cream cheese) and left.

...and then I remembered. Many months ago, my wife went to the same Bruegger's to pick up some bagels, as well as a muffin for one of the kids. She ordered a corn muffin, and the employee picked it up out of the basket and said to a colleague, "Is this corn or vanilla?" The employee took the muffin, held it up to his nose and inhaled. "Nope, vanilla," and tossed it back in the basket.

Since when did it become appropriate for food handlers to SNIFF the food they are handling? Is this a new company policy? The manager tells everyone during the morning pep talk, "Now let's go out there and sell some bagels! And remember, a sniffed bagel is a fresh bagel! Put your nose all over those bagels!"  Should I assume that there are boogers on my Bruegger's bagels?

Preventing Plagiarism – A Novel Idea

Having spent years in the publishing industry, I’ve been following the recent controversy about the young Harvard author, Kaavya Viswantahan, and the discovery that she had inadvertently plagiarized internalized content from author Megan McCafferty, who wrote Sloppy Firsts and Second Helpings for her own first novel, How Opal Mehta Got Kissed, Got Wild and Got a Life. 

Viswantahan garnered a huge amount of publicity due to her age and the fact that her publisher, Little, Brown, paid her gobs of money for the book.

We blame the author. We blame the publisher. We blame the book packager, 17^th Street Productions. But let’s stop looking at blame, and solve the problem! Here’s an idea – let’s let a big company with an already-existing huge presence online and lots of money scan all the books out there, index the content and make it freely searchable on the Web. Then, when a publishing house has a manuscript, they can pick a sampling of passages and run a search, to see if the verbiage has been previously published. And this whole mess can be avoided.

As an extremely profitable by-product of this effort, the publishers and owners of the scanned content can add links to purchase the book, either directly, or from booksellers, both chain stores and independent bookstores (the few that are left), based on the searcher’s ZIP code. Readers will be exposed to content they otherwise might not have found, and there will be a huge, new revenue stream for publishers!

Oh. Wait. Google has already tried to do that. And the publishers are suing them. Never mind.

Will Commute for Blog; Will Commute to Work for Food

I never blog about work (or while at work), but it seems as though I have  been laid off. If anyone knows of an opportunity for a multi-faceted Web content, marketing, e-marketing, e-mail marketing superstar, please let me know. Otherwise, this blog could get very boring. Resumes and references are available upon request.

Note: alternatively, if anyone knows of a full-time blogging/writing opportunity for a ranting commuter with a sense of humor, do let me know. Thank you!

When Contextual Ads Go Horribly Awry

A couple of weeks ago, I wrote about an overheard conversation on the T, which covered, among other topics, keratoid cysts. Adam Gaffin was kind enough to inform me that such a cyst is also known as a teratoma, after which I found myself going down the path of no return with Google and Google images.

The horror...the horror.

I found myself reading pages and pages about ovaries and ovarian cysts, and then I noticed this ad:

Google has determined, by way of a sophisticated algorithm, that if you are looking up that pesky ovarian cyst of yours comprised of hair and teeth, then surely you will be interested in buying an Ergonomic Swiss egg chair from www.ergochair.biz.

Worst Toys of 2005

According to CNN/Money, the organization World Against Toys Causing Harm, aka W.A.T.C.H., issued its annual 10 Worst Toys list for 2005. The honorees are:

• The Camouflage Water Bomb Fun Kit - Yay! Combine camouflage with bombs, and you've got f-u-n fun!
• The Splatmatic Pistol Splat Paintball Shooter. I kid you not. Splatmatic? I'll bet they trademarked that branding stroke of genius right away.
• Lord of the Rings Crossbow Set. Hmm. Another brilliant idea. Give that kid a crossbow! And make sure he has access to some small, furry animals, as well as a pesky little sister following him around.
• Kickaroos Anti-Gravity Boots. Gravity exists for a reason. Gravity will keep you safe. Don't fuck with gravity.
• Baby Serena - Baby I'm Yours. With chewable limbs.
• Animal Alley Ponies - according to CNN/Money, " The soft, colorful ponies aimed at infants have long, fiberlike hair that can be hazardous." I love this description. It starts out so lyrical, so gentle, and ends with choking-on-hair imagery. And the use of the word "alley" troubles me. It makes me think of cuddly, cute, bacteria-laden vermin, rooting through garbage cans in a back alley.
• City Blocks - sounds like an innocent set of building blocks, but they're really cinder blocks dripping with hazardous waste.
• Hasbro's Star Wars - Revenge of the Sith Energy Beam Blaster, "which comes with pressurized 'energy-beam string canisters.'" I don't even know what that means, but it sounds like a recipe for disaster.
• Little Mommy Bath Baby Doll - This one confuses me. Is the baby a Mommy? Is Mommy giving the baby a bath? Or is the baby giving its mommy a bath? And why is it dangerous, when it sounds so innocent? Is the mommy Andrea Yates?
• Fantastic 4 Electronic Thing Hands -- a pair of oversized fists. Are they things, or hands? And why are they in a fist position? Why not in an extended index finger position, for better, eye-poking fun? This toy comes with a warning: "Do not strike any person, pet or inanimate object with Thing Hands, as serious injury could result." What are kids supposed to do with them, set them up on the coffee table and admire them for their aesthetic appeal?

"Do not strike any person or thing with these. Just admire them, for they are a beautiful work of art."

Products That Make My Life Easier

Because I live in direct mail hell, I receive every catalog known to humankind. The other day, I got a new one in the mail from:

Solutions: Products that make life easier.

On the front cover, they highlighted their marquee offering for the season:

...call me crazy, but I don't see how ceramic pumpkins will make my life easier. But this, on the other hand:

This will make my life easier! A glow-in-the-dark skeleton costume for Hazel! "The reflective skeleton makes sure he'll be seen by motorists as you trek around the neighborhood after dark. Even dress him up for your evening walks all season long."

And then there's this:

The headline for the above is, "Make it easier for you dog to get up on the couch by herself." What!? I don't want Hazel to get on the couch by herself, or even not by herself! Why would I want to help her do that?

And on the same page, they're selling this:

"Quickly train your pet to stay off furniture and countertops. No scolding the dog for sleeping on the sofa..."  What? You just tried to sell me a ramp to help her get on the couch and now you're trying to sell me a gadget to scare the bejeezus out of her if she tries to jump on the couch?

And you want me to parade around the neighborhood with her in a skeleton costume, thereby making her the laughing stock of all the dogs in the neighborhood?

Do you want my dog to have a nervous breakdown? Would that make my life easier? This catalog should be renamed Crap n' Cruelty: extraneous ceramic doodads and stuff to torment your pet.

CAN-SPAM? Up Yours!

I'm a pretty easy-going person, so I'm surprised at the rage I feel about spam. Email marketing is one of the 17 things I do professionally, and I guess I view it with a critical eye.

I don't get enraged when Mother Flora Wokomah sends me spam, as we go way back, and frankly, I expect that from her. I mean, if it's not her late husband and his $18.3 million, it's her recurrent cancer of the uvula.  I also expect it from Blueprinted C. Proletariat, who, on some days, wants to sell me C!alis and other days promises "tenes with webcams 4 u." I wish he'd make up his mind, as I find his varying calls-to-action confusing.

However, when a supposedly reputable organization starts sending me email that I didn't sign up for, and doesn't provide a means for me to unsubscribe, I want to break things. Yesterday, when one such company sent me unsolicited email yet again, asking me join their membership organization, I had no choice but to respond with an indignant message:

Please stop spamming me. You're in violation of Federal CAN-SPAM legislation. You cannot email me if I haven't opted in to receive your mailings (I haven't) and the worst part is, you do not offer a way to unsubscribe in the unsolicited emails that you've sent me.

I sent this, resigned to the fact that it wouldn't go to an actual person and would just get bounced back to me. But what the heck; it felt good to vent.

But then Heather stepped in. Heather is a real person, who not only received my email, she dutifully sent it to one of her big ol' Senior Vice Presidents. Who, coincidentally, happens to be a dear friend of mine. I of course knew of this connection, but never dreamed the email would be delivered, let alone find its way to my friend. And this is how my friend responded:

I am NEVER taking you off the list.

As she and I have been emailing back and forth about this, she has been proudly adding an insistent email signature to her messages, featuring the same call to action from the email - demanding that I  sign up, in bold, 40-point type.

And I find this oddly persuasive... why, I think I want to join! Sign me up! No wonder she's a Senior Vice President and I'm just a lowly Marketing Director. I've been too compliant, playing by the rules. By God; I should be taking more risks. This permission marketing and CAN-SPAM stuff is all hooey! It's time for a new trend: Harrassment Marketing. It gets results!
 

Mother Flora Gets an Email Marketing Lesson

I received the email below from Mother Flora Wokomah, who wants to wire the mysterious sum of "$18.3000.000.00 U.S DOLLARS" into my account.  All I have to do is fly to the United Arab Emirates to meet with her attorney.  Since I'm a marketing professional and spend a lot of time on email marketing, I thought I would take a critical look at Mother Flora's email before hopping on a plane.

NAME:MOTHER FLORA ANGEL WOKOMAH
FROM :562/HR/ ROTTERDAM NETHERLAND EMAIL:[email protected]
SUBJECT: BE IN ABOUNDANT BLESSING
>This subject line was in the body of your email, but the subject line in my IN box was "Contact Me Urgent For Work Of  God!!!" Be consistent; otherwise your credibility may be compromised.

GOD BLESS YOU.
>It's best to leave religion out of your sales pitches as you might alienate those who don't share your beliefs.  I never send email on behalf of my company that mentions God or makes any religious references.  My click-through rates are very high.

MY DEAR I CHOSE YOU TO DO GOD OFFER,NOT MY,BUT    
>Why are you shouting at me, Mother Flora?

REMAINED YOU THAT GOD ARE USEING ME AS A POINT OF CONTACT TOWARD YOUR
ASSISTANT.
I AM MOTHER FLORA ANGEL WOKOMAH FROM ROTTERDAM
NATHERLAND A WIDOW TO LATE PATRICK WOKOMAH I AM 61 YEARS OLD, I AM A REALL
CHRISTAIN CONVERT,      
>Please proofread your emails before sending them out. And stop shouting at me!

SUFFERING FROM LONG TIME CANCER OF THE BREAST,
>It's always prudent to avoid personal comments in your email campaigns. While you have my sympathies, your prospects don't care about your health, what you did over the weekend, etc.

IN ALL INDICATION MY CONDITIONS IS REALLY DETERIORATING AND IT IS QUITE
OBVIOUS THAT I
WOUDIN,T LIVE MORE THAN THREE MONTHS, ACCORDING TO MY DOCTORS,AND ALL INDICATION
>you need to work on your line breaks, Mother Flora.  They're very distracting.  You might also consider producing HTML emails, which are much more attractive and tend to get better response rates.  Consider outsourcing your email marketing.

REGARDS TO MEDICAL ANALYSIS, THIS IS BECAUSE THE CANCER STAGE HAS GOTTEN TO A VERY BAD STAGE THAT NO HOPE FOR ME TO BE A LIVING PERSON AGAIN,   
>Your copy is very confusing here.  It sounds like you are talking about reincarnation. But again, try to avoid the personal comments. Your prospects will respond if your offer is compelling, not if they feel sorry for you.

MY LATE HUSBAND KILLED DURING THE U.S. RAID AGAINST TERRORISM IN AFGHANISTAN,
>Again, too much personal information, and this may alienate supporters of the foreign policy of our nation. All seven of them.

AND DURING THE PERIOD OF OUR MARRIAGE WE COULD NOT PRODUCE ANY CHILD.
>This is extraneous copy and not really relevant.

MY LATE HUSBAND WAS VERY WEALTHY AND AFTERHIS DEATH, I INHERITED ALL HIS BUSINESS AND WEALTH.
>It's good to have a more positive message in your email, but due to the plethora of negative comments, I am at this point expecting you to tell me that you've been attacked by wild gazelles.  Let me be clear and restate it: avoid personal comments.

THE DOCTORS HAS ADVISED ME THAT
I MAY NOT LIVE FOR MORE THAN SIX MONTHS, SO I NOW
DECIDED TO DIVIDE THE PART OF MY WEALTH,
TO CONTRIBUTE TO THE DEVELOPMENT OF
THE CHURCH IN AFRICA, AMERICA ASIA
>If this is your compelling offer or part of your compelling offer, I'm not sure you will get a good response. I interpret this as,  "People are starving, so let's build a church."  Consider a more compelling offer, such as "I am going to solve world hunger with my inherited wealth."  Although you might want to avoid being confused with other wealthy heiresses/philanthropists such as Paris and Nicky Hilton.

AND EUROPE ESPECAILLY CREATE SOLUTION TO PROBLEM
OF LESS PREVILLAGED ONES AND ALPHANAGE HOMES.
>It's critical that you proofread your emails before sending them out.  I have to assume you mean orphanage homes, and it will tick me off to have to do work in order to understand your message.

MY DEAR,I SELECTED YOU AFTER VISITING THE WEBSITE
>You've got to be kidding me. Commuterrant?

>(more all caps blathering on about religion deleted)

>Overall, I would give this email campaign a D+.  It should be much briefer, should have clickable links, should have been proofread and most important, it needs to have a clear call to action!  I'm afraid your response rate will be very low, Mother Flora.  But please contact me if you would like additional advice.  I am available to consult for you, for an affordable flat fee of $18.3000.000.00 USD.